Pernah tak korang berdepan dengan kes suicide atau dalam bahasa melayu nye kes bunuh diri? Well, aku tak pernah la tengok orang bunuh diri secara live tapi pernah sekali aku kena berdepan dengan member yang betul-betul nak bunuh diri. Ini betul-betul tau.. bukan cubaan.. Bagi korang yang kenal aku, memang aku ni ialah seorang pendengar yang baik. Lantak la korang nak cerita pasal ayam kesayangan korang kena sembelih ke.. Pensel korang sejak darjah satu hilang dalam banjir ke.. aku dengar. Kadang-kadang rase annoying la jugak tapi dah orang nak bercerita, kita dengar je lah. Tak rugi pun dengar orang bercerita, kan? Tapi apa kaitan aku yang suka dengar cerita dengan kes bunuh diri?
Sebagai pendengar yang baik, kita juga harus menjadi penjaga rahsia yang baik. Tapi dalam kes ni ianya terlalu berat maka aku rasa tak patut dijadikan rahsia tapi baik dijadikan teladan.
Vee (nama samaran) memang pandai orangnya. Aku kenal dia sebab dia roomate aku kat matriks. Boleh dikatakan PNG setiap semester dia lebih 3.8 sebab dia memang rajin study dan rajin jumpa lecturer. Satu hari dia tunjuk satu gambar kat aku.
"Ni lah boyfriend lama aku."
Aku tengok gambar tu.
"Tapi dia dah meninggal. Ni surat mati dia."
Aku tengok jugak surat tu.
"Kenapa dia meninggal?" Aku tanya. Tak logik pulak kalau aku tak tanya.
"Accident."
"Owh.. kesian kau. Mesti kau rindu dia sekarang," jawab aku dengan hati yang ikhlas.
Tapi lepas tu aku tau dia ada boyfriend baru. Vee kata boyfriend dia kerja polis bantuan. Apa-apalah Vee.. aku pun malas nak amik tau hubungan orang. Tapi yang buat aku kisah ni sebab Vee kata laki tu duda. Duda??
Satu hari di bulan Ramadhan...
"Ly, aku nak kahwin dengan boyfriend aku."
Otak aku berhenti berfikir kejap. Aku dengar perkataan baru dalam penggunaan vocab hari ni.
"Kahwin? Kau biar betul. Parent kau tau tak ni?"
"Tak.. sebab tu lah aku nak tanya pendapat kau."
Woo0.. kejap!kejap! Dia nak kahwin tanpa pengetahuan mak ayah dia, then dia tanya pendapat aku??
"Mana boleh! Habis tu siapa nak jadi wali kalau kau tak bagitau diorang?"
"Kitorang rancang nak kawin kat sempadan."
Aaaaaaaaaaa??
"Wei ko gila ke apa?"
"Kalau ikutkan hati memang aku taknak. Tapi aku taknak la terus macam ni. Aku taknak buat maksiat lagi."
Aku diam. Perlu ke nak elak maksiat sampai membelakangkan mak ayah? Antara maksiat dan derhaka, dua-dua dosa besar.
"Berat kes kau ni. Jangan la sebab nak elak maksiat, kau kahwin tak bagitau mak ayah kau. Sekarang memang kau boleh sorok. Tapi bila dah jadi apa-apa nanti, kan susah? Kau dah matang Vee. Boleh fikir".
Aku ingatkan bila aku cakap macam tu dia ubah fikiran. Nak paksa dia putus ngan boyfriend dia pun, siapalah aku kan? paling-paling pun aku suruh dia solat istikharah di bulan Ramadhan yang mulia tu.
Tapi jangkaan aku meleset. Dia kahwin jugak hujung Ramadhan tu.
"Nak tengok gambar?"
"Gambar? Gambar apa?"
"Gambar nikah".
Mengucap panjang aku dengar. Mudah-mudahan apa yang dia buat tu ada hikmahnya.
"Gambar apa tu?" Roomate aku sorang lagi tanya.
"Adalah.. rahsia!" Vee jawab sambil tersenyum-senyum.
Ya Allah, kalaulah hati aku ada loudspeaker...
Selang dua bulan lepas tu, semua berjalan macam biasa. Vee pun tak ungkit cerita dia depan aku. Dia tau aku tak suka bila dia cerita tentang suami dia. Lelaki baik tak ajak kahwin kat sempadan.
Takkan tu dia tak paham?
Suatu petang sedang syok aku ngan roomate aku sorang lagi berbual tiba-tiba aku dengar seseorang berlari kat luar. Terkejut bila pintu bilik di buka dan Vee menangis mendayu-dayu.
Apa halnya?
"Dia tipu! Dia tipu aku!"
Meraung-raung dia menangis. Aku dapat agak ni mesti kes laki dia.
"Tipu? Tipu apa?"
"Dia tak cerai lagi dengan isteri dia! Dia tipu aku, Ly! Dia tipu aku! Tadi aku tanya isteri dia. Diorang belum bercerai!"
"Ya Allah, kau bawak mengucap boleh tak? Vee... cuba kau bertenang!"
Roomate aku yang sorang lagi tu dah kecut perut dengar.
Setengah jam lepas dia meraung-raung tu baru la dia berhenti. Punya lah marah kat laki dia siap maki-maki lagi.
"Vee.. aku bukan tak nasihat kau tau! Dah berbuih-buih mulut aku bagi nasihat. Kau taknak dengar. Sekarang dah jadi macam ni, kau kena terimalah. Cuba fikirkan cara terbaik nak settle."
Owh hidup.. waktu tu aku syukur sangat hidup dipelihara rahmat Allah. Bukan semua orang bernasib baik kan?
Selang dua hari lepas tu Vee mula tunjukkan sindrom 'jiwa kacau'.
"Ly, bangun la! Ly!" Roomate aku sorang lagi kejut aku pukul 3 pagi.
"Kenapa ni?"
"Vee... dia makan banyak pil dengan ubat batuk. Dia pegang pisau dari tadi."
Aish.. kacau betul aku nak tidur. Nak mati pun jangan la ganggu orang sekeliling. Waktu tu marah aku membuak-buak. Selama ni memang aku cakap pijak semut pun tak mati. Kali ni dah melampau dah si Vee ni. Nak mati meh aku tikam!
"Kau buat apa?"
Dia diam. Bunyi lagu dari headphone dia aku rasa boleh pecah gegendang telinga.
Aku matikan plug radio.
"Aku tanya, kau buat apa?"
Dia langsung tak pandang aku.
"Aku tanya ni jawab la. Kau pekak ke?"
Dia menangis.
"Aku tak sanggup lagi, Ly. Dia tipu aku hidup-hidup! Aku sedih!"
"Kau ni, aku nak kata bodoh kau cerdik. Laki kau tu memang tak guna. Dari dulu aku cakap tak suka korang couple. Boleh pulak nak kahwin? Sekarang dah jadi macam ni kau nak sedih la.. marah la.. Dulu tak beringat. Hei, aku cakap banyak sekarang tak guna dah tau. Yang kau sampai nak bunuh diri makan ubat banyak-banyak ni ni apa halnya?"
"Aku bersalah kat semua orang. Aku taknak susahkan sapa2 lagi!" Vee jawab.
"Ini kau kata taknak susahkan orang? Kau ada fikir tak mak ayah kau? Dah la kau tipu diorang, sekarang kau nak mati, lepas tu kau kata tak susah kan diorang? Kau jangan jadi bodoh boleh tak? Penat mak ayah kau besarkan kau, ni yang kau bagi? Sebab sorang lelaki, kau nak mati? Apa mak ayah kau nak bagitau orang kalau kau mati? Bunuh diri sebab laki? Malu tau tak! sebab kau, satu keluarga kau kena tanggung malu seumur hidup!"
Bertambah kuat Vee menangis.
"Aku tak tau.. aku mintak maaf!"
"Jangan mintak maaf dengan aku! Kau ada mak ayah... bagitau hal sebenar. Mintak maaf kat diorang. Mak bapak mana tak sayang anak? Vee... mintak ampun dekat Tuhan. Cukuplah apa yang kau dah buat!"
"Sekarang kau muntahkan balik ubat-ubat tu!"
Huhu.. lagak macam doktor pulak aku waktu tu...
Esok tu dia pergi hospital. Doktor bagi transkripsi suruh masuk wad tapi dia nak balik amik barang dulu. Ada tulis kat transkripsi dia... Keracunan hati. Rujuk pada psikitri. Lama jugak la dia balik.. dekat seminggu. Bila dia balik, aku tengok dia macam dah ok. Yang lepas tu biarlah lepas. Yang penting ialah kesedaran dan perubahan.
"Ly, thank you."
Aku tau, aku bukan malaikat. Aku bukan penasihat yang baik. Aku pun manusia biasa. Kadang-kadang manusia gagal buat pertimbangan. Dan bila hati dah keras dan hitam, yang ada cuma huluran doa. Berdoakan lah kita sentiasa dilindungiNya. Berdoalah kita tergolong dalam golongan yang sabar. Berdoalah kita esok mungkin lebih baik dari hari ini dan semalam...
g l o o m y s u n d a y
Sunday is gloomy, my hours are slumberless
Dearest the shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the black coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?
Gloomy Sunday
Gloomy is Sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be candles and prayers that are sad I know
Let them not weep let them know that I'm glad to go
Death is no dream for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul I'll be blessing you
Gloomy Sunday
Dreaming, I was only dreaming
I wake and I find you asleep in the deep of my heart, here
Darling, I hope that my dream never haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you
Gloomy Sunday
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Overture To DeathD. P. MacDonald In February of 1936, Budapest Police were investigating the suicide of a local shoemaker, Joseph Keller. The investigation showed that Keller had left a suicide note in which he quoted the lyrics of a recent popular song. The song was "Gloomy Sunday".
The fact that a man chose to quote the lyrics of a little-known song may not seem very strange. However, the fact that over the years, this song has been directly associated with the deaths of over 100 people is quite strange indeed.
Following the event described above, seventeen additional people took their own lives. In each case, "Gloomy Sunday" was closely connected with the circumstances surrounding the suicide.
Among those included are two people who shot themselves while listening to a gypsy band playing the tune. Several others drowned themselves in the Danube while clutching the sheet music of "Gloomy Sunday". One gentleman reportedly walked out of a nightclub and blew his brains out after having requested the band to play "The Suicide Song".
The adverse effect of "Gloomy Sunday" was becoming so great that the Budapest Police thought it best to ban the song. However, the suppression of "Gloomy Sunday" was not restricted to Budapest, nor was its seemingly evil effects. In Berlin, a young shopkeeper hung herself. Beneath her feet lay a copy of "Gloomy Sunday".
In New York, a pretty typist gassed herself leaving a request that "Gloomy Sunday" should be played at her funeral.
Many claim that broken romances are the true causes of these suicides. However, this is debatable. For instance, one man jumped to his death from a seventh story window followed by the wailing strains of "Gloomy Sunday". He was over 80 years old! In contrast to this, a 14 year old girl drowned herself while clutching a copy of "The Suicide Song".
Perhaps the strongest of all was the case of an errand boy in Rome, who, having heard a beggar humming the tune, parked his cycle, walked over to the beggar, gave him all his money, and then sought his death in the waters beneath a nearby bridge.
As the death toll climbed, the B.B.C. felt it necesssary to suppress the song, and the U.S. network quickly followed suit. A French station even brought in psychic experts to study the effects of "Gloomy Sunday" but had no effect on the ever climbing death rate.
The composer, Rezső Seress, who in 1933 wrote "Gloomy Sunday", was as bewildered as the rest of the world. Although he wrote the song on the breakup of his own romance, he never dreamed of the results which would follow. However, as fate would have it, not even Seress could escape the song's strange effects.
At first he had a difficult time getting someone to publish the song. Quite frankly, no one would have anything to do with it. As one publisher stated, "It is not that the song is sad, there is a sort of terrible compelling despair about it. I don't think it would do anyone any good to hear a song like that."
However, time passed and Seress finally got his song published. Within the week "Gloomy Sunday" became a best seller, Seress contacted his ex-lover and made plans for a reunion. The next day the girl took her life through the use of poison. By her side was a piece of paper containing two words: "Gloomy Sunday".
When questioned as to just what he had in mind when he wrote the song, Seress replied, "I stand in the midst of this deadly success as an accused man. This fatal fame hurts me. I cried all of the disappointments of my heart into this song, and it seems that others with feelings like mine have found their own hurt in it."
As the months went by and the excitement died down, the B.B.C. agreed to release "Gloomy Sunday", but only as an instrumental. This version was later made into a record. A London policemen heard this particular arrangement being repeatedly and endlessly played in a nearby apartment. He considered this to be worthy of investigation. Upon entering the apartment, he found an automatic phonograph playing and replaying the tune. Next to it was a woman, dead from an overdose of barbiturates. It was this incident which prompted the B.B.C. to reimpose its ban on the song. To this day it has not been lifted.
As a final note, "Gloomy Sunday" was introduced to the U.S. market in 1936. However, getting it recorded was no easy matter. Bob Allen and members of the Hal Kemp band were the first to record "Gloomy Sunday" in the U.S. They were noticeably affected while making the record. It took twenty-one takes to turn out a record good enough to publish. Few people who have ever listened to the melody and lyrics fail to confess that it has a horribly depressing effect.
Finally, it is not surprising to note that Rezső Seress, the composer of "Gloomy Sunday", committed suicide in 1968.
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